Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
I literally made his dick bleed. How the fuck do you think it went?
Omg I'm so stupid. All the peoples fb status that said "spain" I thought they were all going to spain.......
260 beers this month. I need a new hobby.
Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
The last mom I slept with was the worst lay ever. Imagine fucking a hairy wet pillow for 60 minutes. Good luck with your milf. I was joking about the Susan Boyle comment btw.
I'll hold a taco with my boobs for you
He sprained his penis one time
He was "naked wrestling" and fell off the couch and landed on his erect penis
should I tell them that both of them had sex with me last Saturday? it might be a relationship builder type of thing you know?
he made a bon jovi sex playlist and started crying when "i'll be there" came on... how was your night?
I never realized how you can accidentally go home with someone until tequila got involved.
We'd like to invite you to our threesome! Lingerie is encouraged and drinks will be provided. Next Friday, roommate night, my bedroom. Hope to see you there!
Lmao a dude who just got out of prison said im worth 10 cigarettes in prison...I think that's a compliment
In the last 2 hours I managed to have romantic starlit sex on the beach as the tide came in with not only just a gorgeous man, but one who happens to be Eastern European and finishing Harvard law school.
Oh wow. I want to be you right now.
he's fucking insane. he's worse than me. is that even possible? I'm only with him because his dick is huge. I need Jesus.
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