nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
hes a soccer player too.. you'd think he has better penis eye coordination
As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".
Are you really this nice or are you just trying to get in my pants?
Both?
Referring to yourself in third person during sex is apparently an instant turn off
Even though we had just had to physically take her off of someones lawn she was peeing on when they came outside, she still insisted on walking unassisted the rest of the way home. It was dignity meets shit show.
Someone had Captain Morgan and orange juice at the same moment I lost my hangover and I just had to give it a try.
I'm just gonna go have sex with whom ever is in the men's room.
He said it wasn't ladylike of me to drink more whiskey than him. I told him to stop being a little bitch.
Let's put a bunch of beers in a backpack and shotgun them in a Red Lobster bathroom
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
I was trying to drink every time they said planned parenthood but my body isn't cut out for this.
It shouldn't be this hard to find someone who you haven't blown.
Randomize
