And mexicans. My burrito likes you.
you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
Im sitting alone watching titanic. Drunk. Without pants. Holding a fishing pole. Im pretty sure im okay with all of this.
It was an awkward 3some. I took her from behind while he just made out with her.
I mass texted 4 of you for a booty call. Please reply all when responding so only one of you shows up. Last one is a rotten egg.
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up�
I remember having the weirdest thoughts and thinking our room was a compass and we were in the compass or something.
I need a thor helmet and I need to find my heavy duty drinking mug
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
My mom just asked me about the teeth marks on my headboard..
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
My last memory of last night was being in a laundry room doing blow and admiring a washer and dryer... I think that's the earmark of old age
I went to my AA meeting last night. My drug dealer is now my counselor.
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
Randomize
