Call meee
Ok, but just to warn you, I'm as drunk as a Kennedy right now...
i want to open my blinds to let the sunlight in my room, but i'm afraid my neighbors will be able to see me drinking and judge me
i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
think im gonna go get a six pack before class and sit in the back of the room...
They live so far away from me that not fucking them both would have been financially irresponsible
It's the first day of summer. It's not a race it's a marathon. Pace yourself
But fine, we can play that game. You can come over and we can have totally platonic, long, boring discussions. Or we can fuck. Whatever.
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
Yea. Some girl set a laundry machine on fire. She's not getting married.
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
For someone I see at the bar by herself all the time... I should have know she had a tazer.
just saw two mice fucking on our bed...i think its time to find a new place to live
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