I never want to see another naked old woman again.
all you kept saying from the spare room was "can you bring me a puke bowl...and the cat"
Vodka shot parachutes
Fucking utilizing a thrid story dorm room
Home safe. Took me everything not to stop and pick up some random cat that looked like an ocelot tho.
When the cop tells you to leave the pool, does that mean you have to put your bathing suit back on too?
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
Dude we both faced 40s of steel reserve which is like saying, "Hey, I'm a complete piece of shit!"
There are more dirty dishes in my bed then in the kitchen. Have I lost at life?
I think I fucked up my elbow when I tried to fight off the paramedics.
I hope none of us try to run for public office one day
I shotgunned a beer immediately puked and rallied. And by rallied I mean had sex in the bathroom after he held my hair.
What a gentleman.
He told me that he wants to fuck me only wearing a princess tiara...How could I possibly say no to that?
The fact our science teacher from high school was buying us drinks and hitting on me doesn't matter.
It's the first weekend of the school year and I'm already selling stuff for booze. Need a microwave?
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
Randomize
