I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
At my boss' house at a bbq. Had a few beers. Taking a poop - there's no TP...this is my nightmare.
if she shaves her mustache, i'll let her give me head
The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
She calls her new ritual "bed, bath, and beyond crunk". Hence why I found her passed out in my bath tub this morning.
I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
Apparently she buried shit in the snow back in January and now that it's melted I found a flip flop, 4 spoons, a bottle of smirnoff, and 14 different candy bars
You know when you can feel the alcohol in your toes? That's a great feeling.
she's sitting in the bathroom of SA telling people to come in for a toilet ride
We made a bet that we had to talk like Yoda all night at the bars
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
Lets get coked out and steal a parrot this summer
its like my brain is a tree and you are those little cookie elves
I know it's like I wanna bring somebody fun who I haven't drunkenly expressed my feelings for. Or hooked up with. It's a struggle.
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
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