You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
i had a dream that i had so much marijuana that i didn't know what to do with it. i woke up and cried.
I spent all day at the mall with her, then she made me actually watch a walk to remember then decided to tell me she was on her period. This one is either really crafty or I am really desperate.
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
Well, I wanted to be you for Halloween but I couldn't fit seven dicks in my mouth.
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
Just walked into a random hotel for the free breakfast. How was your night?
All i really wanna do tonight is get drunk with you and dance on tables. is that too much to ask?
Come get me we have a petting zoo to throw up in.
Hey ask him if he likes swappy seconds
At Walgreens. I'm getting condoms and a bottle of water so that I'm not "just getting condoms". I don't think I'm fooling anyone though.
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
he just fucked me for my cheese..
She caught me by google maps... Lets just say it wasnt her car in front of the house.
Randomize
