I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
I'm in a trailer park. But I'm not scared. The virgin always lives.
just graduated on the spot on the quad where I vommed freshman year. full circle
I took my vicodin with tequila. I can FEEL gravity...
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
You just kept holding your breath for a really long time and calling it lung excersizes.
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
I gave him head in my cape. On the kitchen floor. Watching a show about bacon.
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
possible new low: just washed a permanent marker penis off my cheek with porta-potty hand sanitizer.
also if this is gonna be a sample of how country jam will be, I might as well break up with him now. he spent the night blacked out and I could have been in a three-some.
I just got a girl to make out with me just by saying "get at me." Get at me
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
I love you. Doing a double. Going to die. It will be painful. Let the world know i partied. God, did i party.
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