I hate bills.
Like ones you have to pay or people named William?
I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
Can you tell me we didn't drink from a fish bowl we found in the bathroom last night? I know it would be a lie; I just need to hear it.
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
Just wanted to remind you that you literally cut the underwear off a man.
Nice. I ate a jello shot out of a bovine blow up doll's love hole last night
Nope she woke up in a hotel room alone on 55th street. A guy in a lamborgini gave her a ride this morning. She was walking barefoot home
They're basically the Kennedys. This is the family I fucked in to. I'm so proud of my vagina as much as it feels shitty for my heart.
In between rounds of sex, you stopped and did drunken handstand push-ups.
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
You are going to come home to a suitcase in the fridge. Just go with it.
Sometimes turtles just really trip me out man
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
well don't blame me. sometimes vibrators go missing and people get angry. these things happen
I sent you a snap of me in the bath, and you sent me a snap of a taco. An actual taco.
Randomize
