woke up with ski boots on and a kayak in my room... birthday successful? i'd say so
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
Guy next to me at the plasma center is high and watching porn on his itouch. I am wayy to hung over for this level of poor.
if you want blown tonight you're gonna have to take me up on that offer now. in less then 45 minutes you're gonna be blacked out and i'm not doing something i'm not getting credit for in the morning.
the threesome consisted of him fingering dana while i laid next to them watching how i met your mother.
you blew your rape whistle in his face every time he got near a girl till he left the party...
Can you do me a favor and fuck someone with a car so I can get a ride home?
Then, he just started shoving orange pieces in my mouth as a chaser
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
He told me he doesn't want to fuck anymore because he needs to focus on school. Either he grew a vagina or he's secretly gay, it has to be one of the two.
SHUT UP I CAN'T HEAR YOU OVER THE SOUND OF UKULELE AND LONLINESS
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
I just wrote a self loathing message to self, wrapped my credit card in it, put it in an envelope, sealed it with another hate messame, and put it in my lock box. So. That's where I'm at.
A world without bacon flavored condoms is not one I want to live in.
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