Correction, I've been on a lot of dates and a lot of dicks
my ass hurt today after the party last night. I wnt to the doctors and they found a coin in a ziplock bag with a note from you. WHAT THE FUCK DID U DO TO ME???
He just became a fan of Chelsea Handler on Facebook. WHY DO I ALWAYS PICK THE GAY ONE
Obviously. I'm here to let you eat things off my boobs and help you get laid.
Oh, and one of the worst parts... his name was Mario. I fucked a Nintendo character.
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
I wouldn't know what to do. You never really mentally prepare for a cactus getting thrown at your face.
Would I be crazy if I drove 1,000 miles for some dick? What mile does it become ridiculous?
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
I blasted the Halloween Before Christmas soundtrack last night so my roommate wouldn't hear me having sex. Needless to say the sex got a little weird.
Her tramp stamp said call me maybe. You should have run for the nearest decontamination shower immediately.
I've spent hours masturbating before. It's actually my favorite Sunday activity
Can I come over and use your shower? My roommate got drunk last night and took my bathroom door off its hinges
The cops asked Ben if he was drunk and he slurred "I'm man enough to admit that I am" with a southern draw
I was watchin a porno and I sware I saw that dude at the bar at applebees the other night
Randomize
