he just spelled fiance, "pheancie". I dont think he's ready to get married.
Haha im about to meet my shrink &i have so much shit to tell him i made an outline
thought i was the most hungover person in class until i saw a kid puke into his bookbag...he wins
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
Hey. Whatever time u wake up let me know Ur alive. I need my vegas partner... I don't think they let u take corpses on a plane.
i understand you have values and thats awesome, all i want to help you do is forget about them breifly
I'm really having trouble focusing on shark week with this erection
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
He started tongueing his parfait and told "thats what I'd to your ass" in the middle of Starbucks. Of course i brought him home
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
Here's a concept though: eating pasta while getting laid
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
I should have known when she mixed malibu and V8. It smelled just like tanning oil and when she drank it she said "Oh well, not the first time."
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
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