i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
they just dont make restraining orders like they used to.
I just saw a pair of panties stretched over a fire hydrant on campus... I need to get the fuck out of this town
Can you imagine it being physically possible any other way unless the cows are unnaturally flexible
Just spent 3 hours on the Mcdonalds website. I don't know what to do with myself now that college is over.
just threw up what i'm pretty sure look like contents of a lava lamp
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
I knew it was a bad night when the only thing I could remember was you force feeding me tortilla chips as I hugged the tire of my car and begged to have my stomach pumped.
I can't sleep. My mind keeps asking "turn down for what?" but it won't accept any of my answers.
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
HIS DICK ISNT BIG ENOUGH FOR HIM TO BE THAT PROUD OKAY
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
You drank the pool water to get rid of your hiccups
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
Randomize
