I wish I could teleport
I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
All I'm saying is that whoever owned the wheelchair clearly didn't need it or they wouldn't have been able to leave it there
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
I just want to make mistakes. Like stds that go away with antibiotics mistakes.
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
its like the body should be a temple but we treat it like a kmart
Judge me...This apron fits PERFECTLY when I have no clothes on
Who said I was judging? More like congratulating.
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
I would like to request a high five for getting laid while wearing crocs and a crab hat.
MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! I REPEAT, MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I LITERALLY NOW HAVE TO CANCEL ALL OF MY WEEKEND PLANS.
I brought her cheeseburgers and tequila but she's still mad at me.
I can’t believe I made out with a flat earther and didn’t know about it until now!
they gave me money. the money smells like weed. also they gave me weed
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
Randomize
