Hoooooo maaaaan
Yes?
I'm retarded. Again.
You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
Im so hungover that my 6 year old cousine made me aspirine and coffee out of playdoh...
Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....
I could seriously attempt to try and saw my head in half with a butter knife cause im pretty sure it could not hurt any more than it already does
I should probably go to bed before I start to care about why I started drinking in the first place.
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
Rule of thumb; if you ask me if my tits are fake you will not get to touch them.
I'm not sure if I should be proud of you for having morals or disappointed in you for letting your sex life get this sad.
Remember that time I got suspended in eighth grade, well it was like that but I was on acid and wearing goggles
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
GOOGLE HAS JUST RELEASED AN UPDATE THAT ALLOWS YOU TO CATCH POKEMON USING MAPS. Pack your shit, our time has COME.
Eat your greens and take your tequila shots
Randomize
