When I went to court, my judge's name was Honorable Ball. I couldn't stop laughing.
that probably didn't help your case.
shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
nothing like baby laughter to ruin a masturbation moment
The really sad thing is that I actually practiced crawling in my room yesterday in preparation for today
That's what he gets for shittin at the strip club. Who does that??
He has a bathrroom scale in his room with an alarm attached to it so anything over 150 sets it off and in his drinking stupper he can make a run for it.
The porch is breathing.
STAY OUT OF MY SHROOMS YOU CUNT
Thanks for letting me pee on your bed and cry about nothing to you. You're a real friend
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
I have four things I would like to do over summer too... Problem is they're all roommates
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
You wanna explain to me why there is a banana shoved down my pants?
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
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