dude i totally did the walk last night came out of her room to see her dad sitting there straight lookin at me...wtf
I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
you drew a penis with ranch dressing. tried to take a picture of it and dropped your phone in it. Then made moaning sounds while you licked it off.
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
I blacked in at 6:30am on the last stop on the train with a random fedora on? And I'm pretty sure I rode in a limo last night while eating pizza
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
American Eric just peed on us from the second floor. Hes now very confused as to why his "toilet is yelling." Send help.
Yeah, first date. First take a pic of him to circulate around for your friends and than have him fill out a short penis questionnaire. Seems completely legit to me.
Well I just finished dry heaving so I think breakfast is a little further out for me
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
don't worry, i'm not mad. i'm just angry. and furious. and about to set your ass on fire.
I got to walk around for eight hours wearing power armor and acting camp. No way I wouldn't love it.
Wait, like drink with real Phil. Or Phil, the cat that sometimes lived in your closet in Myrtle Beach?
Randomize
