um i just realized that some of the people at my family reunion look inbred. thats not a good sign.
hahaha beady eyes set close together? defs inbred.
my dads cousin just put a cig in his dogs mouth and says, "look its a commercial for newport!" holy hell i hope im adopted.
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
90% of the problems in your life are directly related to your vagina
His dick was so small it sat perched on top of his balls like it was king of his scrotum.
Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
I'm going to superglue stuart's hands into socker boppers
You know when you can feel the alcohol in your toes? That's a great feeling.
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
He was peeing on the back wall of a building. He would have been okay if the building hadn't been a police station.
Also, totally got laid in my yellow rubber boots and it was awesome.
I feel like I was playing penis roulette last night nd I landed on the wrong one.
Why in the hell is there a guy dressed up as a horse passed out in our kitchen.
happy birthday!
Randomize
