:O -> O: ... that's emoticon for "he threw up in my mouth while we were making out"
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
Just called my mom. She definitely saw all those fb statuses so thanks for that.
Haha did she know what fisting meant?
Yeah. Which is upsetting in itself
And you just kept trying to fit through the dog door and not drop Jello shots.
Only in this snowstorm did have I realized the lengths I'll go to to get laid.
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
I can wear a rubber suit at three am and spank someone's ass until its sore and fuck them three ways from Sunday. And get up the next day and do their laundry. As long as once in awhile they rub my back without expecting anything
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
Omg this is like trying to sleep on a pile of ballsacks.
She had a glow in the dark pastie on her forehead the last time I saw her. That should help you find her.
What are your thoughts toward getting nasty in a minivan?
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
Had a one night stand and didnt remember the guys name until he started sending me poems in the mail.
Dude, he came to our house with a beer can in his hand dressed up in a chicken suit screaming, "free eggs!" then threw up and passed out in the front yard.
Sorry I can't pick up... thought process is fine but too stoned to form words.
Randomize
