i wish there were pregnant emoticons
Revelation of the day. Bulimia is dumb. Anorexia is easier.
You suck.
i cleaned the weed out of my bowl, pretended it was a spoon and ate oatmeal with it. my mom cried
We just saw him running from campus police a few minutes ago. So no, I don't think he's still passed out on the quad.
I gave myself a pep talk in the library bathroom mirror. and then threw up in the sink.
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
I expected to wake up with a sext of you posing nude and all I got was a missed call.....disappointed.
I'm sorry I think it was because I lost a chicken nugget in my purse and that's all that was on my mind until 4am
Yes. I feel like complaining about sex all the time with a 21 year old might be punishable by death of the sex gods so I try not to
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
I can get something to clone your cock for $40. It's worth it. It's my birthday present to myself.
OMG I CAN GET A GLOW-IN-THE-DARK ONE
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
If he flies out here I will sleep with him. I have morals, but not when it comes to southern accents
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
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