His facebook status is an owl city song. I'm so glad i didn't end up fucking him.
I am too high to leave where I am...And they are listening to Stained. This is my living hell.
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
what's with the bloody hand print on the hood of your car
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
Im deleting that text because its a possible ncaa violation
I like her. She smells like old lady but tastes like whiskey
Just remembered when I first started going down on him he goes "ok now I feel a little better about the broncos losing"
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
There is a high possibility I will pass out with my hand in a bag of Doritos
I told you that you should stop drinking and you responded "Thanks for telling me how to live, North Korea!"
tuscaloosa is terrifying
like people here are just empty shells of drugs and sin
there is no mercy here
You chose shitty college football over this pussy and my cute little mouth. That's your fault.
Dude. So. Much. Sex. Find a girl in her 30s. Now.
Randomize
