had another sex dream about alec baldwin...
fuck yea just found my unicorn costume from when i was 8... still fits
how do i tell her that i need alcohol to fuck her but at the same time i cant get a hard on with alcohol.
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
Ugh. my cast still smells like fermenting hot tub water and bad decisions.
Also I had a dream we made my birth control into a joint. What does that mean?
50% drunk capacity currently
wow thanks for pushing me towards an older man
you gotta start somewhere if you're going to be a trophy wife
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
Twice. I only peed my pants twice tonight.
Excuse me while I gouge out my eyes.
In which case my work here is done.
I'm pretty sure I just came a kidney stone..
Who the abstract fuck do you think you are!?
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
Randomize
