would you object to me following you around all the time with a video camera and selling it to TV? Your life could make me millions.
her vagina looked like bernie madoff
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
Pretty sure that drunken football on the back porch with 6 guys with a champagne bottle was a bad idea....
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
My rats are drinking wine. I am drinking with rats. God i am so alone.
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
she has like 12 pairs of underwear people left at her house from the other night
Because you stood over the Ice luge screaming STONE COLD and poured beer on everyone
Well, if you're getting/have gotten your dick sucked, you're welcome. If not, I tried. Step up your game, pussy. I pulled a MacGuyver and got mine. No excuses bro.
i actually texted him "nice to see you" but then there was a saved draft "i think about you when i get off." dodged that bullet...
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
I mean I've only met the girl once and she was trying to slit some guys tires.
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
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