I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
so he tried to quietly tell me my Tampon String was hanging out in front of his family but i didn't hear him so he yelled it
I just took a bite of a bagel at school and it tasted like weed. If I am high for my test in 2 hours I'm gonna kick someones ass
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
He bought me shots at the bar as his way of of paying me back for Plan B
It was actually pretty good. His cock is as fat as the rest of him and I took out my contacts so I couldn't see him clearly.
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
I just set a bowl of cap n crunch on fire. That high.
I was wondering, is there any way to hook up a lawn hose to a keg?
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
i want to platonically make out with them, platonically. in the back of this minivan
He a gives rim jobs, because, of course a guy who opens doors and makes reservations would lick your anus..like a gentleman.
He then used a box cutter I keep in my car to open the plan b. Who says chivalry is dead?
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
Randomize
