How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
I really love her but I don't think I can go the rest of my life without anal.
Needless to say, wine tasting turned into wine chugging
I told him I would sleep with him if he could name all the colors of the wind.
He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
I knew the night had taken a turn when we showed up and our flabongo was being chilled in the freezer.
Going out so taking the 2nd 1/2 of beer w/ me ont'tube in a Pringles tube. I give money to people on the street that have more self respect.
I'm now drinking beer through a straw. By order of the bartender.
Such a good question, let's ask the alcohol gods for the answer.
I had a face to face conversation with her vagina, asking it not to make me look bad.
We should totally stay in at new years, have sex and try to time orgasm to the countdown
My google history for last night included "Whre is johns house" and "wher can i buy nukes?" Pretty sure they're related to one another.
I had a dream last night that I used a condom when I had sex. That's how I knew it was a dream
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
Randomize
