If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
Tip #47, don't trim the bush when you have the shakes!
Spotted on freeway- girl in ford focus takes a hit from a 7 inch pipe while knee driving. She winked at me. I want her life.
Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
Drinking wine. Reading twilight. On a Friday night. Biggest loser contest. First Place.
I just smoked my last bit of kief with a grill lighter. This is what crackheads must feel like.
These are your "grown up" slampiece's new hours of operation; please plan accordingly
Ugh I can't even look at alcohol this weekend, my body needs to heal.
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
I know him enough to fuck him but not enough to give him advice.
My loniness meter has reached its peak. I just played shadow puppets using my Big Mac on the wall with my cats
Wait I can't come yet Mr. Brightside is playing
ok i defs just took my shirt off in the middle of a frat party though so keep me updated
I just found a baklava I forgot I got last night so we can call it a day
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
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