Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
I need a leather bustier to keep them in.
Too kinky for 11:30am. Stop that.
i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
I would invite you but we are high and there is an AK-47. Not your scene.
Somebody was walking their dog with their car. seriously
He showed me one of his balls and said "this one's free. you'll have to work to see the other.."
if she didnt wantt to be febrezed, she shouldnt have smelled so desperate.
I seriously think my heart may fail. And I didn't even grab a toilet beer :(
You didn't even properly utilize my pigtails.
Professor just informed us that she can't come to class today because her daughter broke her glasses and she can not see where she is going. Am I still drunk from this weekend?
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
It was all fun and games until he noticed the hickey that he hadn't given me...
Why do pants feel so unnatural once you enter your own house
I came and sneezed at the same time. Words can't describe how awesome it was.
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