Assholes at mcdonalds drive through wouldn't serve us last night even though we said we were on small motorcycles that were to small for them to see and weren't heavy enough for the sensors. We made noises and everything.
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
then she said "on the count of three I think we should apologize to eachother"
So let me get this straight. You would sleep with an uncircumcised guy whose name you didn't know, but you won't try the new shrimp taco from taco bell?
Just so you know swallowing does not help chest colds. Your Phd can suck my dick
All three of them were helicoptering their dicks to persuade me to take my thong off
oh and speaking of men I've slept with. Ryan lost 1/3 of a testicle zip lining
I'm high and I have a consensual booty call on the way and just thought that it was a good time to let you know that I think that you are a stellar person.
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
You kept yelling "NO CAPES" at me for no apparent reason
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
I'm drunk still and I cried and now I'm watching Whitney Houston singing the national anthem and I'm crying more
My liver is screaming fuck you right now.
No, Ethan, handcuffs and friendship bracelets are not "basically" the same thing.
i am also 80% sure that my shirt glows in the dark.
Randomize
