Where is the hickey?
we didnt fuck last night. again. seriously, his place is like where dreams go to die.
I don't remember coming home but there is cereal EVERYWHERE
well once we started drinking vodka out of wine glasses there was no turning back
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
Come back. She's looking through naked pics of his exes on his phone and questioning him about them and I'm too drunk to walk away.
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
I can't believe you big bird do not remember battling a shark last night it turned into a Pokemon battle and big bird over powered the shark
If your find a 12 pack on your doorstep consider it a gentleman's agreement to never speak of that night again
Amnesty Wednesday? I'm free to do dirty things to you and you can't laugh or judge?
I haven't had an orgasm since 2014. So you cam see why I'm having a bad year.
Dave is getting a lap dance to the venga boys
this is not a drill
That was a beautiful concert to sleep through ...
I know - Don't let me take drugs from strangers anymore
fyi: first time in five days i havent washed my birth control down with liquor. when are we going out tonight?
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