My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
I just saw a dude get out of an ambulance with nothing but wallabees on
I just bought a vibrating toothbrush with my parents FSA insurance card because I'm too broke for a vibrator. New.Level.Of.Low.
You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm.
You stood up gave the stripper 15 ones in a wad, hugged her and then sat back down.
I have now hooked up with 8 of the Apostles. I have no idea where I'm going to find a guy named Bartholomew.
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
So when I eventually, if ever, find someone I'd like to marry, do you think having people fly to africa for a lion king themed wedding is too much?
There was blow residue on my chem book and my TA was like, did u stain your notebook with CaCO3?
smoked some of that legal weed last night, felt like God himself legit bent me over his knee and spanked my ass. Never again..never.
I think there's a problem with society when I'm shopping for lingerie and I think "man some of these would make kickass shirts"
Rigtt?!
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
gonna guess the empty vodka bottle and open can of tuna in the bathroom drawer are related?
He couldn't give me an orgasm, but he did give me a UTI.
Randomize
