Yeah we had sex for the first time last night and all the text he sent me afterwards said was “heh”
I got an 8 ball and a free entrance pass to the strip club, if i dont get laid tonight I never will.
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
BTW waking up to a picture of you taking a shot of what I can only assume was shitty lukewarm liquor out of a blow up dolls butt made my day
The resort was totally empty, just June and I. Which of course lead to EXCESSIVE day drinking and outdoor fucking. FYI Dominicans LOVE to watch.
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
Condoms and Ice Cream, that's all we need.
Why does 2015 have to start with so many regrets?
He just snapchatted me a blank snap that said "miss our sex" Vagina game too strong
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
So, I actually said the words "but face tattoos are sexy"
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
Randomize
