Dude i fell asleep inside of her
thats awesome
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
it was either that or behind a dumpster, and i am way too pretty to pee behind a dumpster
I have not carelessly put myself in herpes way since I got a clean bill of health tyvm.
They ran through the sprinklers in front of campus police, shirtless. Singing "love is a battlefield"
He is eating chips off the floor in the emergency room..
No, the real question is if you drink like I drink why WOULDN'T you wear a cape.
the mechanics of walkigng feel weird right now everyone lools like a demon
what does alcohol mean
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
Every time I someone I meet again from that wedding it turns into the "Oh your the guy who puked in the hallway and passed out in front of the elevator."
I just ordered 30 klonopins from India that could probably be anything from Viagra to Midol. You need to find another friend to get advice from right now
I'd probably lick every tooth in Carly Rae Jepson's fucking mouth.
Teen Choice Awards are on if your wondering.
I refused to call him anything but Drake eyebrows all night.
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
He also sent me nipple clamps because romance is NOT dead
Randomize
