STOP SENDING ME DANCING JESUS FORWARDS.
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
She started doing push ups and calling me a pussy. Never set me up with your ROTC friends again.
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
This has been the most pleasant arrest experience I've ever had.
I drank butter last night, who am I to judge?
Was in the middle of a keg stand, the frat guys dropped me, and I broke my nose. My mom didn't enjoy that call from the hospital.
They took my balls.
Iron Man just asked me back to his place... Not sure I can handle this. Wish me luck.
He said he didnt want to choke me, I said im sorry thats a deal breaker.
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
Roomies told me I showed up to my house alone with no pants on and burrs in my hair... I live in the middle of the city
I was having a serious heart-to-heart, and then the weed gummy kicked in.
Did I penguin dive down a hill last night?
just used my $120 dollar stats book for the first time to kill an ant... good thing i stole it
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