Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
honestly if we didnt hate the same people we would have a friendship based on nothing
any plan I had today of being a productive member of society, I am officially throwing out the window.
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
And just when I was about to fall asleep, he hit me in the face, and claimed he's a "violent sleeper".
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
Well it went from being a hug to a straight out tackle through the back door.
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
Why are there sofa cushions on the floor? And why isn't there a sofa in this room that doesn't have cushions?
I'm laying in bed with a case of beer,.. That's how this break up is going..
New York City is dangerous when the only bars you go to are the ones that have 'open' in front
In the middle of blowing him I looked at him and said "Your so old..." and then continued. I need to stop drinking.
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
This is why you are going on a date. To see if he is fun or if we need to shank him in the parking lot.
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
Randomize
