My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
Bea Arthur died! :(
What?
Big bird passed.
that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
Its 11am everyones wasted wearing sombreros and eating fresh produce..cesar chavez would be very proud
My TA just asked me why I was late to class. How do I say because I was having the best orgasm of my life in Arabic?
Just to be safe, you should be prepared to jump out of a second story window
I woke up with like grass burns all over my body, i'm pretty sure i made out with someone under a bus. . . but i'm not sure
Mandatory 420 Adventure Time.
This is why we're friends.
Today is a wonderful day to be mildly hungover
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
Well. We had sex and then watched 6 episodes of Dateline NBC together; only breaking the silence to make disapproving noises at shotty police work. So basically yea I'm gonna marry him.
I will take a ruler to your dick so help me god
Had a very good bday. Have the teeth marks and bruises to prove it
remember that party we went to sophomore year where we found that girl and had the orgy? Im totally at that house right now.
People probably think I’m a fangirl bc I go to so many shows but it’s really bc I like fucking the tour manager
Randomize
