took 4 advil with a shot of vodka, figure i'd try to save myself now
Would it be weird if I told you I thought of you when I masturbated?
Looks like I'm more than just your Mexico mistake...
This guy randomly got in our taxi, and has now collapsed on the sofa anouncing that he's staying the night.
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
Are you two whores ready for me to turn the light on so you can see what you came home with last night?
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
That's what he gets for shittin at the strip club. Who does that??
Oh yeah and one of the strippers brought you chips and water when you were passes out next to the toilet. So that was nice
I knew it was a bad night when the only thing I could remember was you force feeding me tortilla chips as I hugged the tire of my car and begged to have my stomach pumped.
Is this the point in which we come to terms with our lesbianism or is that after you send me more ass pics...
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
Now I have to go back and sober fuck him. For science.
I deserve this hangover.
yeah, my mom got it for me because it had animals AND alcohol.
Randomize
