I'm wearing a childsize birthday hat and a bib. I am the def of sex appeal rite now
Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
woke up to an overdrawn credit card. did you order the dawsons creek boxset last night?
i hope so.
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
Just remembered I hit myself in the face with a bottle then did the nose test and decided I was still good. Don't think anyone noticed.
Things got outta hand once she told me to water-board her with Patron.
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
I would let Bear Grills repel down a waterfall using my dick if I could go to sleep right now.
Nothing says I'll be 22 tomorrow like washing the vomit out of your hair at 4pm
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
Amanda, I can 99.9% assure you i'm probably never going to bang your mom
I DON'T LIKE THAT SENTENCE
I gave him a blowjob to kill bill. 2 of my favorite things.
I'm trying to secure Christmas dick. Idgaf if he has strep or not.
i haven't seen you in two years and we have like 16 hours, all i want is cuddles, wine, and some light groping
Randomize
