Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
we just toasted to your mouth on alex's balls at the bar
i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
She woke up 3 seperate times, each time she had a look of pure terror on her face, she had no clue where she was.
No it was after you showed us his fraternaty letters shaven out of your pubes
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
Shots and making dong molds for my gf's friends. Typical Monday night activities.
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
I saw Nicolas Cage's face in the moon. Those were good shrooms.
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
Tequila Tuesday.. tonight is the night I defeat the liquor.
I have class at 8:30 and I am not bailing you out of the drunk tank again.
My vibrator box just fell off the table and hit my cat in the head, he is a little stunned. Good thing I went medium size
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
Randomize
