I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
I was hoping we just happened to wake up naked and I hadn't fucked him.... no such luck.
she peed on how many people?
I remember your 21st ending with me driving you home while you insisted making bicycle signals out the car window.
I think I slept in the cheesecake last night. Either that or I had a wet dream. Whatever happened I need to wash my pants.
Hey. Can you be so hung over that you get a rash?
I think the main reason you were throwing up so much was the quart of soap you chugged trying to burp bubbles. you came close
Pot head idea of the day: make a maraca out of weed seeds. Or a rain stick? Definitely rain stick.
No, no, we have to calibrate. What is the maximum amount of trouble we can get into without going to jail?
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
The lady sitting right behind me on the bus has baby birds in her purse. Shes feeding them bugs from a cup with a pair of tweezers... I love san francisco!
Fuck underwear. Let's get stoned and eat ravioli.
i dont know how he's 22 and thinks emoticons will get him laid. lady boner just died.
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
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