dude i'm inner monologue high
Is it weird I want to fuck the cartoon chick from e-surance??
i am already firmly committed to doing irish carbombs w/ 12 different people, and the st pattys day party doesnt start for another 24 hours. i may die
I want to be done crawling through windows but the sex is too good to stop...but I'm running out of excuses for where the bruises on my legs are coming from.
Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
Drunkasaurus has found a new cave to eat all the children she captured
I need to get you away from Bacardi 151 and out from under the bed
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
Here is your half hour reminder. Meet you at emergency room.
Hold on - sidebar. My best friend just threw a 40 pack of condoms through my window.
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
My Sundays are fucking awful. Can't get a blow job.....can't get a win.
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
Randomize
