when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
well you decided to make everyone "drinks" which was sprite and beer mixed.
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
you goin out tonight?
who is this.
your orgasm for tonight
Don't talk about his dick. That's mine. There's a copyright on it. Use with permission
I literally just got propositioned by a sugar daddy.
OUR DREAMS ARE BEING REALIZED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
i can't believe he threw up on you. Well thats what you get for being DD. I used the sombreros as a shield!
Bon Iver should never be played when you just ate shrooms.
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
I would like to request a high five for getting laid while wearing crocs and a crab hat.
I just rolled a blunt and took my bra off. I'm not going anywhere.
We hooked up last night. I think it was great for our friendship.
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
Randomize
