This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
You tried to convince her that if she gave you head she'd hear the ocean.....
too bad being hungover isnt a job. just threw up from 9am to 5pm
I hope no one judges me for becoming a facebook fan of "Adderall" at 5:49 AM...
The only way I could have failed my exam worse is if there would have been a drug test portion
the room spins SO much faster in panama
Ya he's alive. Apparently he's been drinking Naty and listening to Unbreak My Heart on repeat all day.
Yesterdays boozy weather forecast has been extended to today
If there is a ladylike way to throw up in your favorite toilet, I just did it.
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
HIS NAME IN MY PHONE IS JOSHUA DREAMCHASER I CAN NOT
NO SHAME NOVEMBER
He wanted me to come over on Christmas...inviting your fuck buddy over for the holidays is just something you don't do.
He sent me a dick pic from his living room and it has pictures of his three kids in the background
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
anyways, do you want to make more embarrassing memories that im bound to remind you about later and laugh about?
Randomize
