i now understand why he chose to have sex with my friend rather then me after lookin in the mirror this morning. and id do the same thing.
battery dying...get laid and text me after...or during...its whatever.
I almost puked on my graduation application. perfect.
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
Come back. She's looking through naked pics of his exes on his phone and questioning him about them and I'm too drunk to walk away.
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
When I was hooking up with this guy last night all I could think about was if we were in Game of Thrones... I need to stop doing drugs
I was so high I started singing Let It Go and then instantly started laughing 'cause I was eating ice. Everyone just stared.
And then she said "welcome homeeeee!!!" As she got off. Best thing about being back from Afghanistan
I just remembered touching your bosses wife's fake tits last night. Thanks again for taking me to your work function.
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
You did a cartwheel, it was terrible.
I remember that cartwheel, it was okay.
Um, It's tempting but I'm not into coke or farmers.
The guy I blew who bought us all the shots last night? I really think he's the TV guy I'm watching give the local weather. Like right now.
Randomize
