Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
its 4th on my favorites list. 1. butt sex 2. mini skirts 3. three meat pizza rolls 4. fuck the pain away by peaches
NEVER shave your cleavage hair.
Sharpest. Poop. Ever.
Just had to explain to the nurse WHERE I have poison ivy. Great Day
She said to bring taco sauce. Hoping that's a euphemism.
Had to go to the urgent for a physical and I gave them my fake. Nurse was a sport though
Hey do you know who I showed my dick to at the bar last night?
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
You are the voice of reason. And I'm bringing wine. Like seriously this is his last chance. Don't touch me once, shame on you.. Don't touch me twice, shame on me
Filthy. I need to be power hosed with holy water.
I feel like I could have been bitchier and missed an opportunity.
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
I was trying to sext but got a notification that my dad and professor both commented on my Facebook photo. Bad timing.
I’ve got a closet full of cosplay outfits and horny boytoy to help me ride out this pandemic
Randomize
