A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
Just role played anchorman. And yes, I did take her to pleasure town.
all the sharp corners in my house are covered with litter foam blocks. al set for partying
Just dropped $150 at the liquor store. No power and two feet of snow has taken my alcoholism to another level.
He was at the bottom of the stairs showering himself with the popcorn, then eating a few handfuls and running around.
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
oh my god. separately texting an Allie and an Ally while drunk is hard, and I'm climbed 1/2 way up a bridge pier.
I'm not sure which is more depressing, the fact that the hospital is making me put together a living will before surgery, or that all i'll be leaving behind is 25k in student loan debt
Blackout me just wants to pee on sober me's dreams. Literally.
That one dude should feel honored if he were to get herpes from you. Fuck that Guy. He is a herpe.
Let me refresh your memory. New Year's Eve in the back of my car you grabbed my hand and said feel my tumor on my butthole and at that moment I swear we were infinite
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
I looked into her soul, didn't I?
You eye-fucked her soul.
Randomize
