the mexican frat downstairs started singing this mariachi song, then out of nowhere some dude busts out a trumpet and plays along. is this even real?
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
Your vase full of piss was still at his house and he still doesn't know.
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
Just got high and apologized to my vagina for getting chlamydia
stop fucking thinking about him when there is A MILLION OTHER PENISES TO RIDE IN THE WORLD
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
I'm sorry for drunkenly throwing a spoon at you and then laughing at your pain.
It may be a clusterfuck, but I'll be looking classy as shit as I watch the nightmare unfold
Black magic does not go near my vagina, it's a rule
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
He listens to me complain and in return I send him naked pictures. It's a win win situation
I just want to feed you taquitos and play with your boner and live happily ever after
I just found a ladybug shell in my underwear. What was I doing last night?
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
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