i'm pretty confident that i watched a woman making love to a german shepherd.
HOLD UP I think she only has eight fingers...
I've been emailing with a woman. I don't think she's into me, but we've become sorta email buddies. I'm hoping to meet her because on her profile she states she's into 'fisting.' Frankly the thought kinda freaks me out but I'm dying to see what kind of woman is 1) into that and 2) admits it upfront.
At some point I made a semi-conscious decision that i was okay with sleeping in my own vomit.
They threw me out of the bar because I was arguing business ethics with the owner of th bar
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
Just remember that she is a giant dick-sucking forehead and you are better than that.
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
No. I think its because I really and truly know that he is a moron and his future prospects are zoo animals.
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
Eating pizza and drinking wine while I watch the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show. The wine is for reducing the pain of falling asleep with more insecurities than what I woke up with.
I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
Tequila is never to blame. We all make good choices under tequila
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
Randomize
