I think I'd rather ejaculate tabasco. You'd have to scrape out guacamole.
Just wondering why in an apartment full of stoners there is half a waffle in the TRASH CAN. get ur shit together man
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
i have one hour to talk myself into enjoying giving him a blow job when i get home
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
I woke up on the ground next to a bed of naked men. I'm either a drunken genius or the enemy....
You picked a jagger girl up claimed her then walked out the door with her that was the last we saw of you
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
I would totally lead with that as a line.'So, I was on Legends of the Hidden temple as a kid.. Your place or mine?'
In related news, I couldn't want to blow you more if your dick made harmonica noises.
We held a candle light vigil outside the jail hoping for her release, until we realized we were drunk in the jail parking lot.
I need a beard to bite.
Such a big mess for such a small penis
I can't be sure but I think I slept with a clown last night...
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