You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
He looks too sensitive, like he's going to write me a poem and cry after the first time we have sex.
life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
apparently i traded the tiffany necklace my mom bought me for 2 shots and next in line for beer pong at the frat.
Professor took us out for drinks. She said if I ordered the 64oz "Call a Cab," she'd give me an A. I drank it in 5 minutes. A+?
I'm using process of elimination to determine which of our neighbors i fucked last night.
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
I am 100% planning on being drunk on Wednesday. This is America. Work or no work.
If i still have my costume on when i get home from the bar i am gonna be pissed
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
They should just send me home - I'm literally doing nothing but watching porn and listening to pandora.
THIS CHICK IS LIKE SOME SORT OF HOOKER HOUDINI.
i feel like if we ever had babies together they would just be drunk all the time
All I know is I woke up in the back seat of my car, with the engine on, and my gps navigated to florida.
Why the fuck is Ian Naked eating string cheese in my guest bedroom?
Randomize
