Holy jesus god. My teeth taste like street.
if i hurry i can finally have sex while stoned off my ass
godspeed.
You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
on a scale of 1-10how much freaking out is acceptable if you just found a (possibly used) cock ring in the head board that your parents gave you?
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
I have come to the conclusion that if you don't fulfill your life ambitions you should go into porn
he just made me do "this little piggy" to his toes.
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
Me. You. Shitty green clothes from Savers that we will dub alligator costumes. Middle of the quad tomorrow at noon. Bring your alligator voice and the pearls before swine comic.
it's almost 8pm and i'm still hungover. at what point do i alert someone?
Our DD has become famous. Strippers are asking to be handcuffed to him.
you are like the bill nye of illicit activities
I just sent a snapchat of my boobs for Adderall. It's finals season.
Update: tequila girl had her hand down groomsmen pants
i woke up and couldnt remember who was in my bed and it was so dark.. i rolled over and started kissing him and feeling his face because hey... if the blind can see like that.. maybe i could too
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