his Mom's staying with him so he asked if I'd go over and fuck in his shed. he said "it's a really nice shed"
Once you realized you couldn't finish the 30 you started walking down the street and leaving a beer in everyone's mailbox
i made potato chips in weed oil. what did you do today?
how should i feel about a person who brings a box of eggo waffles on the plane as a carry on?
someone needs to make a hangover cure that isn't cocaine.
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
Was I really yelling "girls night" at random chicks before stealing and drinking all their shots?
Agreed then we'll really be on our A game tomorrow. And by A I mean alcohol.
maybe if I avoid him long enough we could skip the talking part of "we need to talk"
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
YOURE ABOUT TO SEE SO MUCH UNCIRCUMCISED DICK
I know. I'm a saint. Saint of sitting on faces.
He stopped mid thrust ... To check snap chat .. From his roomie
After drinking all day I popped an adderal, slammed three beers in a row, apparently told the bartender "thanks bitch" then ran on stage.
Randomize
