but i am gonna have to have sex w/ him again to get my earrings back
Im in Brooklyn, he wasnt 23 or a musician pick me up
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
I have this strange craving to see a really fat person go down a slipnslide
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
Did you see the video of me eating a marshmellow on fire?
so gross sitting on a warm chair at a restaurant..you just know a fat person was sitting there shoveling food into their face for hours.
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
You know what, don't say anything. You all made fun on me for saying I would fuck him junior year when he taught us algebra and six years later, HERE I AM.
You should know two things about me,,,1) I am highly sexual and 2) I am HIGHLY competitive so you telling me about how much sex you had with the other girl makes me say "challenge accepted"... you should hydrate.
I got so drunk that I peed my bed...and all over him. The ironic thing is that he slept in his swimming trunks.
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
Relationship goals: we both wore red underwear tonight. Except he won’t know because my bra been off but it’s the thought that counts I guess.
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