At my boss' house at a bbq. Had a few beers. Taking a poop - there's no TP...this is my nightmare.
Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
This is the 4th time we've hooked up, and this morning we woke up, he got out of bed and left. Left me alone in his apartment with 3 of his friends. Without even a word. Why do i like this guy?
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
Oh, and trying to figure out who wants to do Molly in a frat is like asking damn children if they want puppies and candy. So just bring as much as possible.
announcing that you were the mayor of bjtown got their attention.
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
Seriously, even though I keep it clean, I could douse it in bleach and set it on fire and still not be comfortable with you actually holding it. It's been in my VAGINA.
If throwing a bottle across the bar, hitting a skank in the head and not getting caught was an Olympic event, you'd bring merica the gold every time
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
We ran out of toilet paper so Ive been using coffee filters
You spent twenty minutes waxing poetic about her ass and her thighs
Randomize
