I just puked on my dog.I feel summer coming on
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
And it looks like I sent you 4 failed attempts at the word "hey." Sorry about that.
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
It took me 6months to figure out that he only had one testicle.
So the crazy cock blocking bitch sent her a picture of her boobs using MY phone and said: he's busy at the moment
After my date left I rallied and took the Asian girl home. Flexibility my friend.
woke up to a family dragging me under their beach umbrella, they poured water on me bc they "thought I was dead" then fed me quesadillas and nursed me back to health... gotta love Cabo
And I don't know if this is really ESP, or just a crazy feeling, but I'm pretty sure he has an std. Or at least a cold.
I wish I could take a screenshot of how things literally look from my eyeballs right now
The ecstacy made me so dehydrated I started licking condensation off car windows
I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
i said cake fell into my bra, you stood up and yelled "Im coming soldier", leaped acrossed the couch and started motorboating my boobs. i would have been cool with it if your mom didnt keep calling me the "lesbiainizer"
Question: the touchscreen on my phone randomly quit working, do you think this could be a latent reaction from me peeing on my phone last weekend?
Randomize
