So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
Just had a conversation with Jon gosselin
Until you fuck him in front of his kids stop wasting my time with stupid texts.
definition of desperate: He gave me his SC drivers license so i wouldn't forget to facebook him.
i was focused on more important things... like standing, and not spilling my beer
Shes been standing with her arms crossed in front of the mirror for 45 minutes...she told me she's "getting sober"
No, no, no. Fuck you. I took a glass blowing class solely to learn how to make that bong. You shattered it and my dreams in a matter of five seconds.
We got naked and peed in the garden. Something about bonding with our new house
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
Drunk and bowling. Only good things can come of this
Quit being awkward towards me every time the group is together. They're going to figure out we're fucking.
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? 😭😭
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
MANIFESTATION IS REAL AND IM GETTING LAID TONIGHT
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize
